The Captain of the side and occasionally known to play in the centres but is really a spectator who changes into kit and strolls around the field waiting for a half-time Marlboro.

Wide as he is tall, a tenacious player whose $6 million-man knees have been reconstructed to allow him to stagger round the park. The team’s treasurer, Gary holds the purse strings so he’s worth being polite to.

Dan makes the salt-of-the-earth seem under-seasoned. The only player to have had most of the team playing around in his pants (willingly!). Social secretary, nick-name giver and team judge.

Like Shrek with Tourette’s on speed, Baz charges around the field and, like a Korean chef, he’s always after a good bit of dog.

A West Country boy who plays on the wing. He has the power of the Queen Mary under full steam, with a similar turning circle. Always entertaining under the high-ball, he was nevertheless voted the Player’s Player of the Year for the 2005-2006 season.

Dickie has been a stalwart of the club, and the side for ages. Now a VP, so bow when you meet him.

A geriatric chef who spends all day working on his feet so is forgiven for spending most of a game lying down. He has perfected the age-old tactic of throwing the ball in the air and running away under pressure. He became the team’s top scorer last season by accidentally kicking so many conversions.

A big bloke who lets himself down by pretending to be Welsh. Gareth wears more body armour than the rest of team put together and is always last out of the changing room.

Joby certainly rolls up his sleeves and gets busy playing on the wing and occasionally hooker. The team’s joker in the pack, he must be watched at all times on tour or he’ll handcuff you to anything or anyone.

Andy is known for his forthright opinions, which he freely gives to referees. Occasionally, and only when circumstances dictate, he administers summary justice to opposition players when the referee doesn’t agree with him.

Despite being one of our more ‘youthfully challenged’ players, Bob’s startling fitness and physical determination keep his jersey secure. However, after the match, he is prone to the occasional ‘senior moment’.

Richard is from Mansfield so you need to speak slowly and clearly to him. He secretly wears flat caps, breeds pigeons and has a ferret. Will not, under any circumstances, join in the team huddle because he believes it’s a softy Southerner tradition. Despite his Northern tendencies, he was awarded the Player of the Year for the 2005-2006 season.

Kevin has a stunning 1-yard burst of speed that he saves for diving unopposed over the line. Despite trying the wide game, he kicks so much he’s got a cauliflower foot.

The team Guinness – dark, stout and best when left to settle in a bar! Almost unstoppable from 10 yards out, he managed to tackle himself when over the try line last season and was suitably fined for try-avoidance.

Carlos is a converted footballer whose finest moment was an attempted overhead clearance from his 22. Vying for the title of shortest player (with Cheesy) he nevertheless outplays most wingers by actually being able to catch the ball. Recognised for his crunching tackles and determined running, Carlos’ dream is to see the ball more than once every match.

A previous player of the year. Can’t jump like a salmon but drinks like one. Immortal lines on the pitch, ‘Do you want some? Then come and have some!’

Bris certainly adds some aggressive thrust to an otherwise meek and mild pack. In the bar, he operates as the team’s shop steward, ensuring that the 3rd XV players’ union doesn’t go down without a fight.

Steve is a straight-running centre; mostly straight into trouble. He spent many years playing 1st XV rugby before realising that he has a much better chance of touching the ball in the Vets.

A big strapping forward whose should really be called “Clown Show”. Likes his back-sack-and-crack waxes.

The Ginger Winger who always seems to be travelling the world. Team psychologist and wind-up merchant.

Paul joined the team last year, having spent some time away from playing to concentrate on coaching junior rugby. His pace, power and aggressive instinct have slowly been eroded over the season and now he fits comfortably into the 3rds’ gentle pack.

Eggy distinguishes himself by being a young prop with an old attitude. Obviously affected by his front row colleagues, he plays with his socks rolled down and shirt hanging out. He has not completely turned to the dark side of front row play because on several occasions he has been spotted carrying the ball, earning severe reprimands from the front row union.

Apparently now living in Spain for tax purposes. A forward who still thinks he’s a centre with his dummies and trick passes but you wouldn’t trust him with a bag of chips.

Nick was voted most improved player for the season 2005-2006. By overcoming the obvious handicaps of being tall, thin and ginger, he has managed to become a stalwart of the lineout and has even been seen indulging in ‘passing the ball’ and ‘running into space’ – activities which go against the 3rds’ cherished style of play.

An old Chingford 1st XV player, Richard has accepted the inevitable and joined the ranks of the 3rds. Playing in the back row last year, he saw more ball than his whole career in the front row for the 1sts, which explains why he was at such a loss as to what to do with it. A calm and mild man on the field, he saves his outbursts for the U15’s who suffer his wrath on a Sunday morning.

James was a new recruit last season and happily bided his time in the early season before coming into his own on the wing in the new year. Like all wingers in the 3rds, he was unable to see the difference between playing and being a spectator other than being slightly colder and wetter on the field.

A strong running, no-nonsense player who is rumoured to have all the skills required for an excellent player but he modestly keeps them under wraps while paying in the 3rds. Apparently, the last time he passed the ball was in a match in 1991 but that was to win a £10 bet and shouldn’t be taken into consideration.

Mozzy is a silver-haired Scottish centre with the running style of a demented ostrich. Neither he nor the rest of the team have any idea which direction he’s going to run so he adds a nice touch of spontaneity to an otherwise predictable side.

Anyone who can play wing and lock needs some career guidance. Steve will enthusiastically run into anyone – opposition, teammates and, when called for, spectators. His fitness levels require him to pace himself through the game and so he operates best in 3 second bursts twice in each half.